Z Money

I made a speech today. Not just a little speech, though. There was over 500 people hearing what I had to say, and I wasn’t exactly complementing them. I was a little nervous; it was the first time I had ever attempted speaking in front of such a large crowd (the entire population of my home town, Ithaca). However, my anxiousness was not large enough to outweigh the necessity of speaking directly to the group of men who we call “the Suitors”. These men are incredibly disrespectful and greedy, and are all looking for a shot with my mother. As a gentleman, raised by a lady, these men should know that they’re inexplicable behavior will land them no place in my mother’s heart. During my father’s supposed death (or rather, his long absence from home), these suitors found it acceptable to move into my house. Yes, they sleep in my father’s bed, wear his clothes, and eat our food, and they expect my mother to fall in love with them. What does this tell you about the average intelligence of an Ithacan man?

After a revelation, I believe that my father is still alive, fighting battles to return home to my mother and I. And so, with the integrity and pity I have remaining for the suitors (which I must say, is rapidly decreasing), I gave them a warning. I showed them, or tried to show them, their behavior from my perspective, and my father’s perspective. If my father returns, the suitors’ heads will be separated from their bodies faster than they can escape our house. Out of the goodness of my heart, I gave them one last chance to vacate my house (okay, I’m being modest, it’s a palace), before my father permanently removes them from this life.

The suitors, unbelievably, were not able to see my outlook, and even went to the point of accusing my grieving mother of deception. My mother was being harassed by the suitors, and used any means necessary to avoid unfaithful marriage. Anyway, there was one suitor who was so disrespectful, so I destroyed him, with my lyrics. We got into a major rap battle, and everyone who knows me knows I am the greatest freestylist in Itaca. My rapper name is “The TeleTubby” (because I have recently added a few pounds), and my signature line is “Z Money”. Don’t ask why, I’m not exactly sure why. The suitor's name is (or was, because I destroyed him) Antinous. After our little musical debate, no suitor would touch me. As I blatantly stated in my rebuttal, "these suitors think they boss, but soon they'll be making the sign of the cross." While writing this, I have decided that it is essential that I find my father. Not only has his absence affected me and my mother, he may be in a helpless situation that only I can relieve him of. Whether he is captive on a pirate ship, or sinking in wet sand, I shall vanquish his foes. "Because I'm Odysseus' son G, and I'm gonna make them run yee."

I have to keep this a secret from the suitors, because they fear my father's return. If even one suitors knows my plan, I may be the victim of attempted murder, or worse, murder. Right now, "they think they have me beat, but I am planning their defeat".

ZMoney out